The Warrior

For surely you did not choose this battle.
Rather it chose you.
And standing on the edge of what
you cannot escape is most tormenting.
But take one final breath before the plunge.
And charge forward -
knowing that you go not alone,
but in might company of all who stand ready to fight at your side.
And knowing that where your spirit is weakened,
there you will find untold strength.
Where your heart is fearful,
there you will find immeasurable courageousness.
And where your soul is mired in darkness,
there you will find the most penetrating light,
the most powerful beacon showing you the way.

Mark Peters, Copyright 2005

I'm still here!

Sorry I haven't posted anything in so long. I'll try to be brief with this update. Had my third infusion Thursday, June 5th, and it went without a hitch. Due to my earlier reaction to the Taxotere, it was dripped in more slowly this time. I was there over 3 hours, which is kind of a drag, but it is what it is. For whatever reason, I developed another fever this time. Following infusion #2, I had a brief fever about 3-4 days later, but it only lasted about 10 hours. This time, my fever started some time Monday afternoon and didn't let up until this morning. It never got to 101, so I did not take antibiotics, just monitored it. Between the fever and the chemo sickness, it was a long few days, but both let up today and let me tell you, I don't know when I've been so happy to be alive. I had a smile on my face while loading the dishwasher and washing machine - that's how happy I was. One infusion left - June 26th.

Couple of things I've learned: That old saw, "When you have your health, you have everything" - those may be the wisest words ever spoken. And sadly, they don't become truly meaningful until you lose your health and understand why they're such important words. Please do whatever you can now to protect and improve your health. Hopefully, you won't experience "the moment that changes your life," but if you do, best to be in optimum health so that you can meet the challenge in the best condition possible. And in the meantime, enjoy every moment to the fullest.

Other thing I've learned: Twin Peaks was a weird show. I'm watching it thanks to NetFlix and I had no idea what it was about or what its style was. Leave it to David Lynch. No wonder people were intrigued by it. Anyway, I'm still in Season 1 so no spoilers please. :D

Curious? Watch Curious.

PBS's NewsHour last evening (5/20/08) had a bit about bisphenol-A that went so far as to suggest a link to the increasing breast and prostate cancer rates in the US. Bottom line, despite the famous line from The Graduate, the word today is not "plastics." It's glass, or any other known-to-be-safe, recyclable product. Why wait to find out more? Switch now. All the plastic we use - and we use tons of it - will sit in the landfills for centuries. It's not good for us or the planet. OK. Enough of that for now.

PBS also aired episode #101 of Curious last night which included two segments: one on capturing solar energy, and one on an important breakthrough in chemotherapy treatment for cancer patients. I highly recommend watching the program if you can. It will air again in San Diego on 5/22 between 3-4 a.m., and on 5/27 between 2-3 a.m. That second segment concerns a woman with breast cancer, her husband (a researcher at Cal Tech), and a man from Long Beach, CA, who has pancreatic cancer that has metastisized. Having lost my own father to pancreatic cancer, the program was especially poignant for me; but I felt light as a feather after watching it. I hope you will see it.

Meanwhile, I'm slowly regaining strength following my chemo, and have now managed 3 of 5 injections of Neupogin. Will be glad to have the 5th done with on Saturday. Can't say I'm wild about it, but trying to keep a positive outlook all the same. Hair is gone and I'm learning scarf-tying tricks. Actually, I've only learned one, but perhaps it will suffice. I still shampoo my head. Old habits.... :D Saves a lot of time in the morning when you don't have any hair. Putting on makeup seems odd when you're bald, and jewelry, but at least I look a little more like a girl. I think. Hope you have a nice Memorial Day weekend - stay safe.

Round 2 this afternoon, plus link to video

I have my second infusion this afternoon, and what a difference from the first time. No jitters or anxiety at all. This time, I'll be receiving instruction in subcutaneous injections so that I may administer Neupogin, an immune system booster, 5 times over the 10 days following my treatment today. At least I know what to expect now, and will likely skip the day of feeling sorry for myself that I indulged in last time. I am armed with your love and good wishes, and a really terrific Netflix lineup. :D The current season of The Riches, which I had Tivo-d, pulled me through last time. This time, I've got Buffy (season 2), Twin Peaks (season 1), and both seasons of England's The Enemy at the Door; all being seen for the first time. Also got a couple of Eddy Izzard shows, for good measure.

Recently, NPR aired an excellent documentary entitled The Truth About Cancer, which was followed up by a fascinating panel discussion hosted by Linda Ellerbee and composed of four doctors who are all cancer survivors. While the documentary is heart-wrenching, it is also a very worthwhile thing to see. It offers a most honest and thorough picture of cancer and its treatment. I tried to watch it on my "poor me" day following the first chemo treatment, and found I couldn't stand it. But I gave it another chance when I was feeling stronger, and was so glad I did. It is an important film that needed to be made, and I hope you will see it, if you can.

Best wishes to all, and lots of love - I know I have yours and it means the world to me. Thank you!

Quick update

Well, as you know, I felt pretty lousy the first week after treatment, and then I gradually started feeling better. Then I entered the so-called "nadir" stage, or period of lowest white blood cell count and lowest immunity. This stage happens 7-12 days following treatment and chemo patients have to be extra careful not to get sick during this time. This past Monday was the 11th day and I did start to feel poorly that day. A fever developed and I ended up going to the hospital and was admitted. I received antibiotics and then after a day - when my white blood cell count (WBC) remained too low to suit my doctor - I was given a white blood cell production booster. That did the trick and I was released the following day. Mom was down at the hospital every day, supplying me with magazines and crossword puzzles. I had a comfortable room and good nurses. The food was terrible, and they don't give you enough (nod to Woody Allen). Actually, it was garbage, and I ate every bite. It's no wonder all those people in there are sick. Tip: Bring your own food, or have it catered. Anyway, I was very happy to get home to my own bed and to see Buster again. From here on out, I'll be using the WBC booster for 10 days following treatment. It doesn't eliminate the possibility of infection, but reduces it considerably; I'll still have to be careful. Next treatment: this Thursday. I'll be halfway done! I picked up a free wig and brimmed hat (chemo makes your skin sun sensitive) courtesy of the American Cancer Society. I think that's all the news for now. Happy Mother's Day to everyone!

Round 1 after effects

Well, I guess I might as well post about what the chemo feels like. I don't recall feeling anything but a bit out of it on Thursday, after I got the treatment - probably from the steroids, not sure. Friday I was feeling weak but not terrible. Saturday I felt pretty bad, I guess. Weak and just not well. While I would get hungry, food didn't sound good. My mouth had an almost oily coating which didn't help. I seemed to experience a lot of hot flashes as well. By Sunday afternoon, I seemed to be feeling a bit better, but that evening the aches and pains started. Hard to describe - they just come and go, all over my body. I'm taking digestive enzymes when I eat to help with digestion, and I seem to be digesting alright - not great. The steroids, which I take for three days whenever I get the treatment, kept me awake; the doctor prescribed a sedative which helped. I have some trouble relaxing and feeling comfortable because of the aches and pains. Hoping all of this will ease up as days go by. My mouth seems to be not as bad as yesterday. I have to be careful of the sun, so I'm using sunscreen when I go out. I did work today for a few hours, which helped distraction-wise. Not sure I did a very good job, but I was there, anyway. Long as I could sit still, it was okay. Moving around was a bit of a challenge, due to the weakness. I left early and stopped to have my hair cut off on the way home. It's hot here, and I just don't feel like messing with it anymore! It'll be gone in a couple weeks anyway. The big news is that I exercised this afternoon - sort of. It will help, hopefully, with digestion and general well being. Buster seems okay with all of this, which is nice. I was afraid I'd smell different or he'd sense something, but he seems just fine. His appetite is great, as usual. :D I'll post again in a couple of days. Take care.

Round 1 is over

My first appointment went very smoothly. The nurses were exceptional. I was plenty comfortable the whole time. No reactions to any of the drugs, which is all I could hope for. It was a long afternoon - about 4 hours - especially, following a sleepless night, thanks to the steroids which I must take for three days each time I do chemo. The doc gave me a sedative to take tonight to help me sleep. Met some very nice people, and listened to a wonderful healing audio CD provided by a dear friend. I feel a bit tired, but don't know what to attribute that to. No nausea. In fact, I'm eating a lovely bowl of lentil soup. Thanks again for all your good wishes! I know I had a lot of people pulling for me today, and I so appreciate it. I'm so very lucky, and I know it!